This must be the most depressing blog ever

So it is probably a good thing no one else is really reading it.

Somehow, though, writing it in blog form rather than journal form makes me feel like I can share it more easily if I need to.

I just watched "Love, Actually" which I remember having liked when I first saw it (in like 2003), and this time it just came off as pretty sappy and unrealistic. But what really stood out to me, even though it was only a very small part of the movie, was the relationships between the sibling characters. Hugh Grant's character played the Prime Minister and his sister was played by Emma Thompson and at one point they hugged and Emma Thompson's character was so glad to see him. And in other scenes, Laura Linney's character was helping her brother, who was institutionalized (probably schizophrenic), and she just had so much love for him, she was willing to sacrifice her own chance at happiness.

I feel like I would have sacrificed almost anything for my sister. And I feel like I miss her not only now, in the present, but I miss her future, older than 37 year old self, who I'll never know. And I miss not being able to call her on the phone one day or go out for coffee with her when I'm 56 or 63 or even 91. She'll never be there any of those times. And by then, my life will look a lot different, even, than it does now. I'll have grown up kids. One day, hopefully, I'll have been with Lena longer than I even knew my sister. Longer than 34 years.

I always thought she would be there with me in my old age. Obviously it's hard now, without her, but I can't imagine what it will be like when my parents are gone and she's gone and I'm the only original Salzfass left. The thought of it gives me chills. I have such deep sorrow in my chest and stomach.

I should really go to sleep because of course I will be woken up several times tonight by the crying baby, even if I don't end up having to get up to make her stop crying (which is unlikely.) But I don't want to sleep because I don't feel satisfied. I did a day-of-maternity-leave's work, I guess, but my mind feels less than stimulated. I hate that the only friend I really feel like I ever want to call is Nora.

"Hi it's me, your sister," she used to say.
"I love you." She used to say.

Why does life have to be so fucking full of pain right now.