I am sitting on the couch with Lena while she breastfeeds and watches Sister Wives. I think Emily would have appreciated this show, but maybe would have been bored with it, too, as I am. On the other hand, she never really seemed to be bored by any TV. She had so much love and patience for it.
It is so weird how time has changed so significantly since three weeks ago. There is no more go-to-sleep-at-night-and-wake-up-in-the-morning. There is only a series of naps, sometimes shorter, sometimes longer. Lena says she can handle the sleep deprivation better than I can because of the hormones, because Tavi came from her body. She is also more paranoid about Tavi's well-being -- whether she's cold, for example. I mean, I am a concerned parent, and I'm the one who wants to buy all kinds of infant monitors, but I really do think there is something unique between bio-mom and bio-baby that can't be replicated. And I mean, as Tavi grows up, we'll have our own strong, special connection. A different connection. And that's okay. I'm becoming more okay with that. I don't like to hear anyone tell me that things are "different' for non-bio and bio mom, but on some level, I believe that in my own heart.
I am still developing a love for this little crying, suckling, peeing, pooping being. I look at her and wonder, WHO ARE YOU? And WHO WILL YOU BECOME? And I wonder, will you know Emily? I have heard of babies who grow up never having met a loved one, but knowing them in some way. Wouldn't that be so lovely?
Well it's 9:30 so I should probably start heading to bed for nap #1. The one nice thing about sleeping in a separate bedroom from Lena is that I get to sleep with Bean in my spoon, just like the old days. It is so comforting.
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