as you all know, i work a ridiculous amount. i am invested in my job to an insanely unhealthy degree. i f'ing care about my students A LOT.
BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH!
i am not the teacher they want... NEED me to be!
my ADD, my anxiety, causes me to be unable to keep up with grading all of their assignments, giving them back assignments in a timely fashion, and keeping them informed on "how they're doing.
but WORSELY (which should be a word), i can't keep hte noisy kids quiet long enough to give the amazingly focused, dedicated, resilient students what they need during class. and that makes me feel worse than anything. i had them fill out a reflection about the second marking period, which just ended, and they had to answer the question
"What can Ms. S. do to help you achieve your goals?"
and SEVERAL of my BEST students wrote
"She can control the class better."
"She can make it so the class is less noisy."
but see... the thing is, I CAN"T! because if I COULD, i WOULD.
and so i wonder whether if i quit they would get a sub who could do better for them.
but i doubt it.
and so i continue, press on through the year as a fucking mediocre 8th grade English teacher.
and it sucks.
